It’s getting to be too much. I know I should be a little more considerate since I did break up with him out of nowhere after three years but he’s honestly making me sick. I do not find it cute at all when he begs for me to talk to him and give him another chance. I do not find it romantic when he tells me that he’s loved me since the day he met me and will never be happy again.
I do not want what we were. I don’t even know why I ever did. Nothing about the relationship seems appealing to me now, and it’s a little pathetic that he thinks it was so wonderful.
He made me feel like shit every single day. He always wanted to play little games, acting like he did not feel anything from anyone - not even me. Thinking it would make me so much more interested. Because that’s how I am. I see something broken in someone and I want to fix it. And so I was more interested all that time.
Then there was someone else. I never looked at other people, not only because he didn’t let me hang out with guys, but I thought I had the perfect guy. Then I met a guy who did it all. He was everything I wanted. He was adventurous and he had written a book as well as many other short pieces. He had a little band on the side of which he was the lead singer and he sounded so angelic. He worked out too, and we worked out together. And to top it all off - he had ambitions.
Little did I know, he also was broken. However, I could not fix it. Not even sure if I tired.
I don’t know if I broke up with him for this other new and exciting guy, or if I always sort of knew that he wasn’t the guy I wanted to be with. And finally I had some motivation. Because the moment I broke up with him I was so happy. I did not cry, I did not regret. I was truly relieved. I felt so… peaceful. It was so strange, really. I had broken up with him many many times and it was never anything like that. I had became a mess there after and always regretted it.
But now I am happy. So why does he keep sending me all these emails? Why can’t he just move on, as I have. It’s sad, and although I hate to say it, it disgusts me.
I’m happy. I am starting to do the things with my life that I’ve always wanted to do. Why would I go back? Why now?
Last.fm - Taking Back Sunday Radio
Phase 1. I am the heart-breaker. I am the one who dated a guy for three years and out of the blue broke up with him for a completely incompetent reason. I am the girl he cries over. I am the girl he can’t get over & cannot quit thinking about. I stole his soul. It was almost like I was literally a part of him, and for me to just leave - he is empty. He is broken. He is still himself, just a worse version. No idea where to go or what to do. He doesn’t want to talk to anyone else or date anyone else. I was his. And I am apathetic. I couldn’t care less. I have moved on. A few times, actually. He cannot understand this. Three years invested. Three years. Now what?
Phase 2. I am heart-broken. I dated him for a little over a month and maybe I was blind but I thought things were going splendidly. Never yet did we have a serious fight. Maybe a serious disagreement, which would be our perception of love - or lack there of. Perhaps he could not handle the thought of being with someone other than his true fixation. He was never over her. But I didn’t want much from him, only fun. I admit I was on a steep path to falling for him. Maybe he sensed it. Maybe he was right there with me and he wanted to turn around, but knew that I did not. I wanted to keep walking. I wanted to see where this beautiful path ended up. There was so much to us. Working out, exploring new places. Meeting coworkers. Meeting parents. In my opinion, we were perfect. Perfect. I will never Forget this month. I will never regret this month.
Phase 3. I am indifferent. I am only willing to be a friend, although most days I try to lie to myself say “yes, yeah I want more. I want time.” Ah, I do want time. But time in this also means progressing. I want to stay here. I want this, and only this. I wonder why, but I cannot figure it out. Am I scared? Scarred, maybe? Or is this just how I am, naturally? Maybe my phase 2 made me feel alive when in reality… this is me. Indifferent, apathetic, awkward.
Phase 4. Who am I, here? They probably wouldn’t know, because I find it hard to give them my time. I do make promises to, though. I just can’t pull through. I do not want them in reality. I just want them through my phone. That is all. I come off sleazy, perhaps. Easy. Interesting. I am who they want. Oh and they want me so bad. But they can’t get me. No amount of persuasion. No amount of sweet words. You won’t get me.
I’m lonely & I’m broken. I do not know why, but I have yet to feel anything from this. I like it though - but why?
And I am scared that he may want to go to the next level, but I do not want that. I just want this. Friendship, I guess really. But I still want to cuddle. I just want someone for myself.
Why am I scared? I am not who I was. I used to thrive for these moments. This was my passion. Love was my passion. Now what.
And I guess I miss him because I miss being able to not feel anything really. And it was okay. There was no reason to feel all giddy all of the time. We knew each other perfectly, and there was no expectations. No I did not ever expect to end up this way. But I had to do it. It was necessary, I know that it was.
I need to find myself. I need to know who I am and what I’m capable of giving to someone. Maybe he needed this too, he was just afraid. As I used to be.
But, ah. We will see.
Wolves at Night - Manchester Orchestra
I’ve tried all this, and all that. And where did I end up? I am just this little fish with this little heart and desire for these little things to bloom and become beautiful and long lasting. But where do they go? They never quite make it. Not here, at least. Not to my reality. I don’t know where they go. Perhaps continue on in the parallel universe that is my imagination, and never anything more.
Ah, I have too much of that. Too many thoughts and not enough of them real.
Where do I go from here? Do I still go on, and pretend it’s all as great as it always was? How much more of this can I take? How much more can I make.
Haha, oh. I have so many fantasies worked up right now. So many unreal people, so many unreal thoughts and personas. I love it all. But what happens when none of it becomes what I want it to become? When my greatest imagination cannot pull through.
I guess I do this. Over & over again.
I sulk. And then I find someone or something new. And I am in this phase of constantly building it up, and building it up. Until it all just welts away, and fades. And then I sulk.
~ You’ll be sick or feeling troubled or deeply in love or quietly uncertain or even content for the first time in your life. It won’t matter. Out of the blue, beyond any cause you can trace, you’ll suddenly realize things are not how you perceived them to be at all. For some reason, you will no longer be the person you believed you once were. You’ll detect slow and subtle shifts going on all around you, more importantly shifts in you. Worse, you’ll realize it’s always been shifting, like a shimmer of sorts, a vast shimmer, only dark like a room. But you won’t understand why or how.
Coheed & Cambria
I still think about it, and I do not know why. I live in this world. Time and time again. I talked to you. I carried on an interesting conversation all day, every single day. Sometimes they were even too long for the day, and they would carry on flawlessly into the next. Why was I so happy? How did I miss that you weren’t?
I promise that I don’t want to think about you. I don’t want to miss you, or need you, or even resent you. I just want you to disappear from my memories. I just want to be as happy as I was.
I fear that I am a little messed up from this. I fear that I will be scared with the next one. Less trusting. I am the type of person where when I fall, I fall hard. I fear I will try to catch myself when I don’t even need to be caught. When there is something already there to ease my way.
“Am I more than you bargained for yet?”
I’m the joke—I’m the bastard.
I had a nightmare last night. At first it started on this platform in the middle of a body of water. Or at least that’s where it becomes the most clear. And we were being chased by these big creatures. And someone threw something into the water that would have lead these creatures to the platform, so we had to jump off. And towards shore we swam.
We got there. We were in this building, and suddenly we became kind of in a movie. People with scream masks on were there. And the only way to keep from being killed was to wear a mask so they thought you were one of them. The only thing to worry about was other people trying to kill you since you will look like the bad guy.
Why were you in my dream last night? I was sitting in a car in your garage and you and Tina went in real quick, and she came out wearing one of your jerseys, and carrying one of your jackets. I was mad, and I yelled. You whispered to me “Yes, I like what you’ve changed into.”
Now what do I write about?
I don’t have love to go on about for hours on end.
But I like this guy way too much. It’s only been about a month and I’m already obsessed. I don’t know what can really even come out of this, though.
I know that’s all I ever say, but it’s also all I can think.
I often bring up moving to Michigan, and I think I am trying to convince myself more than I am trying to convince him. Or maybe I am hoping he will ask me not to…
I know we’ve only been dating for a month. But I guess I’m crazy. I don’t know why I feel like I need him so bad. But I do. God, I do.